Lame starts with ‘L’	October 31, 2005

I love The L Word. Season 2 was released on DVD this week, and thanks to Netflix, I’ll be watching them all week. So far, season 2 looks just as smutty as season 1, it’s a girl-on-girl soap opera with totally addictive characters (except for Jen, the writer – I hate her. She needs to get the boot, especially since Marina is gone, because she now serves no purpose on the show, except to make deer-in-the-headlight faces and wear ill-fitting clothing).

So, outside of Marina’s departure and the addition of sexy Latina DJ/filmmaker Carmen, the show is pretty much the same as last season. Except for its brand new RIDICULOUSLY AWFUL theme song. It is by a tacky lesbian band called Betty (who is also the band on stage for the re-opening of The Planet, when Shane goes up on stage to make out with the horribly unattractive lead singer), and here are its ridiculously awful lyrics:

    Girls in tight dresses who drag with moustaches
    Chicks driving fast, ingénues with long lashes.
    Women who long love lust, women who give.
    This is the way - it's the way that we live.

    Talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking
    Writing, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming.

    This is the way - it's the way that we live
    It's the way that we live - and LOVE.

Recently, on the Today Show, there was a little segment about how TV shows don’t have theme songs anymore, and it made me sad, and I’ve been thinking that theme songs need to come back. And then I saw what passes for a theme song nowadays, and it pains me greatly. This song is bad. A lot of the music on the show is really bad, actually, but I don’t know why that would surprise me – lesbians and shitty music go hand in hand (interesting side note, however: Steve and I went to see the Lemonheads at the Black Cat a month or so ago, and the opening-opening band was this dyke-y girl group called The Organ, and they were pretty good. I heard their music peppered throughout the episodes I watched last night, and the band themselves even cameoed in an episode – the subject of one of Carmen’s saucy music videos).

I realize the rest of the blog-o-sphere was commenting on this months and months ago, because there are people who actually pay for Showtime. I am not one of those people, so I’m coming to the discussion late.

Chronicles of a Workplace Toilet	October 28, 2005

When I am at my desk at work, I sit here and drink lots and lots of water. For several reasons - it satisfies my oral fixation to shove something in my mouth every few minutes, it's good for you, and it affords me frequent opportunities to get away from my desk, to fill the bottle and to pee a lot.

So in my average workday, I make anywhere from three to eight trips to the ladies room, where I witness a lot of somewhat bizarre bathroom behavior on the part of my coworkers (I realize that this is a trivial topic for discussion, but it really is something I ponder daily). These behaviors include the following:

• People who think it's appropriate to talk on their cell phones while peeing
• People who think it's appropriate to talk to me while peeing
• People with whom I work very closely, but who choose to not acknowledge me, because we're in the room where dirty deeds are done
• People who have anxiety about peeing when someone else is in the room, and have to wait until I leave
• People who start to leave without washing their hands, then they realize that they've been spotted, so they wash their hands for show
• People who don't wash their hands and don't even try to camouflage the fact that they're not washing their hands
• People who leave all of their possessions on the counter while they're in the stall, trusting me (and everyone else) to not steal their wallet, cell phone, etc.

In related news, my apartment management company repaired both my bathroom ceiling and my toilet in my apartment yesterday. My place is now perfect. It makes me so happy I could just pee my pants.

Boo!	October 28, 2005

I frickin’ love Halloween. I really do. I forget that sometimes, and let the holiday slide past me without really celebrating in any real way, but deep down inside, I am rich with pumpkin-ey spirit. This year, I am doing more Halloween-ey things than I’ve done in the past three years combined (carving jack-o-lanterns, wearing a costume, volunteering at “Boo at the Zoo,” and going to 2 Halloween parties). And it feels so right. Letting it slide by without any proper celebration is a crime, one that I’ve been guilty of many times before, and this year I’m setting my karma right again.

One of those things that people do on their blogs	October 27, 2005

The following lists of seven are one of those things that people do on their blogs because someone else did it on their blog, and then someone else will do it next, and so on. I did it because my Iowan buddy Dana did it on her site. Who wants to take it up from here??

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Achieve some level of fame, even if it is short-lived and among a tiny circle of people
2. Re-learn all the things I used to know well but forgot, including medieval architecture and Japanese
3. Make an extraordinarily ambitious work of art (I’ve had this gymnasium-sized installation in my head for a long time)
4. Get really skinny (sad, but true)
5. Get married, buy a house, have two babies, dog, picket fence, blah blah blah
6. Stop second-guessing myself at every step
7. Learn to really really kick ass at pool

7 Things I Cannot Do:

1. Run
2. Jump
3. Throw
4. Catch
5. Climb
6. Skate
7. Make Indian food that tastes anywhere near as good as the take-out (except for mulligatawny, which I’ve got down to a science)

7 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:

1. Boxy shoulders
2. When I get that look that says "you're such an idiot but I can't help but like you anyway"
3. All that heavy lifting and jar-opening
4. Spooning
5. Sideburns, apparently
6. Puppy dog eyes
7. General rock-star characteristics

7 Things I Say Most Often:

1. Totally
2. Anyhoo
3. Meh
4. D'oh!
5. Narf
6. Allrighty
7. Can I bum one of those?

7 Celebrity Crushes:

1. Benicio Del Toro
2. David Bowie
3. Catherine Zeta-Jones
4. Michael C. Hall
5. Beck
6. Johnny Depp
7. Jason Bateman

7 People I Want To Do This:

1. Karen C (whose birthday is today!!!!)
2. Karen D
3. Dr. Brian
4. Steve (cause I have no idea which celebrities he crushes on)
5. Steph (cause I think I know exactly which celebrities she crushes on and I want to test myself)
6. Jamie!
7. Stef (so as to further set the blog-o-sphere in motion)

You want me to stick the jelly bracelet where?	October 25, 2005

I am now the proud owner of several months’ worth of NuvaRings – the hormone-releasing rings that you stick up your hoo-ha to keep you from getting knocked up. After the fifth or sixth friend/relative of mine told me that they were simply the only way to go, I jumped on the bandwagon.

While, yes, it is quite weird to think of spending 75% of my days walking around with a foreign object just hanging out inside of me, everything that I’ve heard about them makes them sound like the greatest thing since sliced bread. I’ll be sure to keep you all posted – with astounding levels of detail – as this develops.

Hot damn am I predictable	October 24, 2005

Tonight, I went shopping. I’ve been in dire need of cold-weather clothes because mine from last winter got too big (yay!). So I went to Pentagon City after work. And I had a good night – lots of sales, good clearance finds, and so on. But look at what I bought:

1. Lime green velvet blazer
2. Turquoise corduroy blazer
3. Black velvet blazer
4. Lime green/black/white plaid wool skirt
5. Turquoise/black/white plaid wool skirt
6. Turquoise/black/white argyle sweater
7. Black turtleneck sweater
8. White turtleneck sweater

It’s no wonder my clothing has become an identifying characteristic for me – I wear the same damn shit every day! After a summer of wearing lime green and turquoise tanks and flow-y skirts, it’s time to swap in the lime green and turquoise turtlenecks and wool skirts. But it’s, you know, winter lime green and turquoise, which look like this: xxxx as opposed to this: xxxx. So it’s different, right?

What did Ellen do this weekend?	October 24, 2005

I don’t know how this weekend flew by so frickin’ quickly! I was running and running, and the next thing I knew it was over. Funny how they’ll do that.

Friday after work I walked up 18th Street to meet my friend Sarah and accompany her to a “make your own vegetarian sushi” party. I didn’t know a single person there, and I was the guest of someone who hardly knew anyone there, which is always an adventure. The many useful things I learned that night include: miso soup made without bonito tastes like nothing, and having people roll temaki (handrolls) instead of regular maki makes for a much smoother and easier sushi-party experience.

Saturday Steve came and picked me up so we could do some serious Goodwill hunting, so as to complete our Halloween costumes. We first wanted to find ourselves some lunch, and we were in a neighborhood of Arlington that neither of us knew very well, when we stumbled on to an innocuous-looking restaurant called the Malibu Grill. We were expecting your usual bar and grill fare, and were much surprised to discover that it is a Brazilian BBQ place. Which works like this – you go up to the buffet area and get all the salad, rice, or bread that you want, then you return to your table and put up the little greenlight to indicate that you desire meat. There are “meat men” who walk around the restaurant carrying swords skewered with many kinds of barbecued animal flesh (quite the contrast to last night’s dinner). In one little lunch, I had beef, turkey, sausage, and chicken. Our overall take on the place was that it was good, but would be better enjoyed in the evening, when one has a stronger appetite and can hold more alcohol.

After the shopping, we made the long journey to Warrenton, VA, where Steve’s friend and former co-worker lives with his wife and 2-year-old daughter, because we were to be their dinner guests for the evening. Now, I have young cousins, and I recognize that my bias should be toward them, but I am afraid I have to say that this 2-year-old is the most adorable 2-year-old in entire world. When I see small children, my response is often to kinda go, “A kid, huh? That’s cool.” But not this kid. I could have sat and stared at her all night (and I pretty much did). Once her day comes, she will break a thousand hearts.

Sunday I had brunch at Austin Grill with Stef (man oh man I love the cornmeal pancakes), then we went to Ford’s Theater to see the Sunday matinee. It was some silly farce about guys who dress up like girls in order to swindle and old woman out of her money, which is not really my taste, but it starred none other than Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. I had no idea, but Mrs. Garrett is only 2 feet tall. She is tiny. But man can she wail. John Astin (AKA Gomez from the Addams Family) was also in it. He played a dirty old man, and on a number of occasions, he nearly fell out of character chuckling at his own dirty old man lines. Which signals to me that he is also a dirty old man in real life. I guess he’s entitled – his dirtiness is offset by the pristine beauty of his sons.

And finally, last night Steve came over and we watched the movie Crash while eating Indian take-out. I feel, as many before me have felt, that watching that movie should be mandatory. In school, or as part of cultural diversity training at work, or something. Everyone stands to benefit from watching it. It is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long long time.

So, that was my weekend. Now you can feel as though you lived it with me. Lucky you!

Related Words: delude, hoax, hoodwink, fleece...	October 21, 2005

...engineer, finagle, jockey, maneuver; beguile, bluff, cozen, deceive, dupe, fool, gull, kid, snow, take in, trick; intrigue, machinate, plot, scheme; arrange, contrive, devise, finesse, mastermind; cheat, chisel, defraud, gyp, hustle, swindle.

Motivated by Stef (whose blog you should also read), I took a relationship functional analysis test and discovered that I am an ENFJ, which stands for Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging. This is some of what is says about me:

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship.

A billion and one personality tests have described me as manipulative or persuasive or salesman-ey, which is a characteristic that I just don’t think I embody. When I think manipulation, I think of mothers who plague their children with guilt for not calling enough, of sexpots who use their hot asses to get men to give them stuff, and the office cheeseball who cons you into doing his work for him. If I am like any of these people, may God strike me dead.

Please, people who know me best, give me some insight here. Do I manipulate? Am I so good at it that I’ve managed to manipulate myself? Is the fact that I am writing this a form of me trying to manipulate you into thinking that I’m not manipulative? Whoa. Mind fuck.

Headache	October 20, 2005

When Steve dropped me off at work this morning, his last words to me were: “We’re going to that party tonight, right?” To which I replied, “fuck.” Yes, I realize that parties are fun, and the fact that I have a party to go to tonight is something I should be excited about, but I had completely forgotten about it. And I drank a lot last night and am feeling quite headache-y today. And I would not have drank so much last night had I remembered that the theme of tonight is supposed to be “let’s go out an drink a lot on a school night!” (it’s my precious young friend Jesus’ 21st birthday). So I’m in for it again. And I’m going to give it a shot – no pun intended – but I fear I may lame out early. I am getting so old. That is so sad. When did drinking two nights in a row become something that was hard for me to handle? I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now… well, you know the rest.

I have a thing for zombies	October 19, 2005

Maybe some of you don’t know this about me? I love zombie movies. I’m not really a fan of horror movies per se, just zombies. 28 Days Later is my favorite, but there are so many good ones – Resident Evil (the first one – the second one is crappy), Dawn of the Dead, and everyone’s favorite Shaun of the Dead.

I also have a thing for Pittsburgh (I used to live there). Which is why this is my favorite discovery of the week (many thanks to the superhero who sent it to me).

What have I done to me, lately?	October 18, 2005

It’s funny how sometimes you find yourself going through some kind of phase, and you notice that you’ve started doing things that aren’t in sync with your usual mode of existence. For example… Yesterday, I was wearing a white sweater and grey pants, and while walking through the office and a beloved coworker commented that my attire was very un-Ellen-like. As in, I have become the girl in the office who is known for wearing ridiculously bright colors. The hues in my closet used to only span from grey to black, with the occasional flash of light blue, but lately, I’m just shy of a circus clown. Dunno what brought that about, but it’s apparently becoming an identifying characteristic for me.

And next up - I can’t stop eating breakfast. I have eaten more eggs/bagels/pancakes/sausage in the past few months than I did all last year. Invariably, when lunch is proposed, my first reaction is “where can I get an omelet?” Case in point… just a few hours ago, this guy I know named Steve* took me to lunch at the swank-tacular Daily Grill, and what did I order? The only egg dish on the whole menu. Again, I dunno what brought this about, but I can only hope that some part of me is benefiting from the increase in protein consumption.

So for those of you who haven’t seen me for a while, picture that girl you know, ensconce her in lime green, and stick an egg sandwich in her hand. That’s me today.

*My policy on naming names: if I refer to you (I’ll be using first names only – or clever nicknames where available), and you don’t like that, e-mail me and let me know.

Welcome to something long overdue!	October 18, 2005

I’ve had this domain for well over a year now, and I keep saying that it’d be nice to actually use it for something blog-like, but I’ve never gotten around to it. Instead, I use the site as a place to post hollow frames of sites that never actually exist. Well, the time has come to change that. For three reasons…

1. I am realizing how much I enjoy reading my friends’ blogs and finding out what’s going on in their merry lives – maybe there are two or three people out there who might feel the same about mine?

2. I am reading Wendy McClure’s new book and I really enjoy the way she talks about her need to put her thoughts up on a website--not because she cares if anyone reads it or not, but because she wants her daily musings to be just like all the other information she absorbs in the average day--under glass.

3. I just figured out how to FTP to my site from work (it may only be a matter of time before our Systems Administrator discovers that I am doing this and I get cut off, but for now, woo hoo!)

So, enjoy!